I used to be a Christian missionary. I have a (first class) UK bachelor degree in Christian missiology, the theories and practices of how to spread the Christian faith. I had a burning passion to make sure as many people would enjoy life with God as possible. I have had this passion for three decades. Yet ironically, the number one thing that drove me out of the Christian faith was…
The Mission of God
So what is this “mission of God”? In short, it says that God has been working throughout history to ‘redeem’ mankind to Himself. In other words, he wants a loving relationship with human beings, who worship Him and love Him in return, in a perfect state of happiness. So far, so good.
Missionaries like to think of the whole Bible as a missionary document. This means that God started His mission already with Adam and Eve (promised them a savior), then it continues to Noah with the Flood, then Abraham, Moses, David/Solomon, and ultimately Jesus. Jesus is crucial for the mission of God because the whole mission is about the ‘broken relation’: people are inherently flawed and Jesus had to die so this broken relationship (sin) is restored when somebody believes in Jesus.
There is one side note: if you don’t believe in Jesus, then you can’t be with God in this restored relationship, which means that you will burn for all eternity in hell. Oh, and you have to make up your mind in THIS life, because after your death it is too late (Hebrews 9:27).
So the mission of God is to get everyone on board with Jesus, so that everyone can be saved. After all, it clearly says in the Bible that God loves the world (not just a few), see the famous John 3:16. He does not want anyone to get lost (2 peter 3:9). So as a missionary I was just trying to help God out to reach everyone, since God wanted to reach everyone anyway. And this big God chose me (and many others) to bring this ‘good news’. How great!
My Problem? Strategy!
Okay. So God wants to save everybody. Now imagine being God for a moment. You control every single subatomic particle in this entire universe. You know everything there is to know. You see every little grain of sand on Mars. Every little hair of every person that has EVER lived and you know every little hair of every person that WILL ever live. Wow.
Now imagine some Thai person, let’s call him Nok. He believes in Buddha. Nok happily lives his life; he does not know any better than believing in Buddha and the animistic religion he is in. How can he know about Jesus? Then a missionary comes by to his village. Nok hears a story about how God loves the world and wants you to live forever, but it just doesn’t connect with Noks worldview. Love is attachment to this world, and life is suffering, so why live forever? Nok does ask the missionary to pray for his sick daughter, but nothing happens. Nok goes on in his Buddhist life and dies. Nok comes to speak to God. God sends Nok to hell, to burn in all eternity. End of story.
Now go back to Gods perspective. You have been crunching all those atoms, molecules, DNA, cells, heart beats, neurons of Nok his entire life. You were there when he was conceived. You were there when he was born. You saw his first steps. You heard his first laugh. You made sure the system kept running. You claim that your mission is to restore Nok to yourself. You love Nok, he is your creation. Of course Nok doesn’t always do what you want, but you love him nonetheless. And you are all-powerful. You could send an angel. You could write your name on the wall. You could speak with a thunderous voice. You could take Nok walking on the moon. You could appear to him in a bright light, like you have done with Saul (Acts 9). You could appear to him in a burning bush, like you have done with Moses. You could appear to him in a bizarre vision, like with Ezechiel. You could appear to him on your throne, like with Isaiah. You could appear as a pillar of fire, like with the Israelites. Yet you choose to appear like a missionary, tell a story that doesn’t connect, perform no miracle, and… leave.
How the heck is God standing by this ENTIRE life doing absolutely NOTHING?
Why does God choose people to do his ‘mission’, while they have so much trouble conveying the story without good proof?
Why doesn’t God just do it himself, since he can be FAR more convincing, it is FAR easier for Him to do, and the Bible is full of examples where He does exactly that?
Where are all the (credible) miracles that God promised as ‘signs’ so we may know the truth?
These were some of the thoughts I had while studying the Christian mission. And you know what? I still believed in it. There are many justifications that Christians have for the dichotomy between the stated mission of God, or love of God, and actual reality. But that is for another post. For now, just think about the enormous tension that is contained within the mission of an absent God.
Losing Your BFF 
October 26, 2015 at 17:38
I have been thinking about this post and your questions for a few days. And although you are asking some difficult and valuable questions, this is what I think:
You say your problem is strategy. Apparently, you conclude mission is not working, it is not effective enough. But I look at it from this perspective: the whole Jesus-movement (aka Christianity) started with just a few followers of Jesus, after his death. And then it started to spread, with miracles and all. Somehow, it did reach ‘the ends of the earth’. There are now millions of christians all over the world. So I would say it has been at least somewhat effective! And yes, I don’t know exactly why God chooses to let not all people convert to Christianity. Or is that not his choice? Is it human weakness, stubbornness, ineffectiveness of missionaries, lack of missionaries, all of the above?
Jesus said that the Kingdom of God is like a mustardseed. It starts small, but then grows all over, like a weed. I think that is the whole logic of the bible. God takes something or someone small and insignificant and makes it big. Like David, the boy who stood before Goliath, or Moses who was too shy to speak and yet confronted Farao. This is just the way it works.
The question is: do you accept it? And I think here lies your ‘problem’. It is good and honest to have questions and doubts, but in the end Christians accept that God is God and that you cannot and should not try to put yourself in his position. It is of course easier to do so if you first conclude that there may be no God at all. For you that feels like liberation, but for Christians, it is rebellion.
I understand that you have a great need to explain to others why you started to doubt Christianity and how you lost your faith. And I am interested in your questions and in the process of it all. But I don’t think you will be able to convince any Christians of the validity of your arguments (I know you do not want to convince anyone, but the discussion may be disappointing to you in the end). You do not bring up anything new, nothing that has been said or thought before, by Christians as well as non-Christians. There are also good and valid arguments against your objections, as formulated by wise philosophers and theologians, over time. Christianity is not less ‘rational’ than humanism or atheism. It only adds the factor faith and believe in the invisible to life. To say that is irrational, is an irrational choice.
All the best,
Martine
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October 27, 2015 at 06:44
Hi Martine,
Thank you for your thoughts. Really appreciate the feedback. Later on I will post more that will put this question into a ‘framework’ of how I started to approach questions like this.
The comparison you make towards us being small, and God being big, and God having his own strategies that we cannot question… I fully get that. That is one of the major reasons I have stayed a Christian for five years while having quite a lot of doubt: God knows best! How dare I question the Lord of this universe! (I’m not being sarcastic)
But one of the things I know realise is that this is just a very clever, yet unintented, form of mind-control (or brainwashing). I do not mean to insult you at all. But if what you are saying is true, then ‘anything goes’. God can tell you the moon is blue and grass is red, and well, God knows best. 2+2=5, oh well, God knows best. It is an hyperbole to make a point. There is only so long that one can hold this up, until you start to question the revelation itself that you think God has given you (i.e. the Bible, or Jesus). God is (supposed to be) perfect. If His revelation is turning out to be false, then perhaps it did not come from God. Like with Islam you would be critical of that revelation, you would ultimately need to apply that criticism to the Bible as well. Just because you are born in it, or it has millions of followers, doesn’t make it right.
My ultimate goal with this blog is not that the whole world will turn atheistic or something like that. People have many reasons for religion in general, and because it answers such deep questions and cuts right to the heart of our identity, it won’t change easily anyway (by far most people are born and die in the same religion!). My goals is more humble: to show my process from Christianity to Secular Humanism, so people on both sides can understand why somebody would make the shift, what it is like to undergo such a thing (spoiler alert: the most emotion-filled rollercoaster in my life) and for people going through the experience a helpful anecdotal ‘guide’ for their thoughts.
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October 26, 2015 at 21:44
Your problem: 1. Strategy.
You will never get that position as God’s right-hand man on strategy, that has already been given to someone else. So leaving the faith because God doesn’t listen to your advice is a pretty smart move- for that is not going to change.
Your problem: 2. Mission.
Of course, your frustration with the strategy has a lot to do with a lack of understanding of the mission. Yes, God wants everybody to be saved. And no, he does not make everybody believe. Can both be true if God is omnipotent? Yes. Sometimes I don’t want to do the dishes and I still freely choose to do them. God may have a compelling reason not to do what (in a sense) he wants to do. Romans 9 gives an indication of that: “What if God, desiring to show his wrath and to make known his power, has endured with much patience vessels of wrath prepared for destruction, in order to make known the riches of his glory for vessels of mercy, which he has prepared beforehand for glory– even us whom he has called, not from the Jews only but also from the Gentiles?”
Your problem: 3. Your perspective.
You were in IT. I worked on the same project. And I can see how IT work can very much seem ‘we have to do it’, and God can seem absent. Therefore I am grateful I was a church planter at the same time. It was easier to experience God’s presence in that ministry. I am sorry you lacked that.
Your problem: 4. Reliance on miracles.
I’ve experienced miracles and I’ve seen people experience things they experienced as miraculous. First, miracles are not as binary as you make them out. There is always interpretation involved. It is not hard to reason yourself out of a miracle (and, admittedly, also not very hard to reason yourself into a miracle). Second, miracles are not as compelling as you think they are. Of the many people whom I have seen come to Christ, I do not hesitate to say that the ones who did so because of a miracle, are much more likely to leave the faith than those who became Christians in other ways.
Your problem 5: A shallow view of what it means to be human.
The ‘awe and thunder’ approach that you advise to God, would leave us diminished as human beings. God wants our faith to come from the heart; he wants to be loved freely; he wants us to grow into the persons we can be, displaying the likeness of Jesus. I wasn’t there, but I think the Lord vetoed your strategy because it would make us toddlers in emotions, reasoning and responsibility. And he likes us to grow up.
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October 27, 2015 at 07:04
Hi Marten,
@1: that’s an argument from mind-control: we cannot question God, because God knows best. And in a way you are right, I cannot question God (if He exists). The question is, is this world consistent with the *revelation* that God gave us? The revelation where He says He ‘loves the world’ and Christ died for ‘everyone’ and God wants ‘everyone’ to be saved? My answer now is: no. The real God is utterly hidden and seems unaffected by our suffering or lack of belief.
@2: As said, that is inconsistent. If God is willing AND able, then nothing should stop this from happening. Your example of the dishes is a negative one, so it does not relate. Turn it into a positive one, and you will see that it does not work at all anymore. For example: I have a warm blanket for a cold child, I say to the world I want to give it to that child, but then I don’t. The child dies of the cold. Explain to my ‘simple mind’ how that is worthy behaviour of a God.
@3: As you will see in the rest of my journey, it has little to do with that. Perhaps it has more to do with the logic of programming, and the consistency of computers, and the lack thereof in much theology.
@4: I will come back to miracles in future posts.
@5: I never said God would have to shove it down anyones throat. But there is still a big difference between a loving presentation of the truth, and just utter silence your whole life. I fail to see how showing up as an angel (like He did with Saul) makes us ‘toddlers’. I am just repeating Gods strategy like He clearly did in the Bible, and question why He does not do this more often. And notice that I am actually not questioning God himself, but the revelation as written down by humans *about* God.
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November 2, 2015 at 12:50
The argument for that Christianity must be true because it spread to millions is a non argument.
The same is then true for budhist, muslims, hindu, the greatest religions on earth, they also started with a few. And all have 100 of millions of followers.
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October 27, 2015 at 18:02
Hi EJ, I’ve been wanting to interact with you since I saw you first post on FB. And now that I’ve read a couple of your blog posts, I think I’m beginning to understand a bit more about what’s been going on in your life and in your thinking recently. Wow, I don’t envy you! It must have been quite a rollercoaster (and probably still is) !
For now, I don’t feel like responding to the various arguments you’ve brought up to explain why you gave up on God. I understand that you were struggling on different levels with the idea of God and the ideas about God that you’ve grown up with, and lived with for most of you life until recently. However, what struck me most was the pain you must have felt when God did not show up, even though you really wanted Him to. It seems to me that you really, really wanted Him to appear and become real in your life, but He simply didn’t come through for you. That must have really hurt badly! Am I right or not?
If I’m correct, you were probably convinced intellectually that God doesn’t exist for a while already, but you still wanted to be proven wrong, because admitting you had been wrong all your life and hurting the people you love most would be the hardest thing to do. And you would have wished you could avoid that pain, both for yourself and your loved ones. I appreciate your honesty, and I don’t feel like trying to convince you to change you mind (at least now now).
I just want to say one thing: The fact that you have not experienced God as real doesn’t mean He’s not there. And the fact that you feel He’s unfair doesn’t mean He is. After all, how sure can we be that our perception is correct (naturally, the same applies to my convictions …). I was reminded of this again today. Early this afternoon, the power went out in our apartment, this happens so regularly in the city where we live that it doesn’t take us by surprise anymore. I just switched on the emergency lights (my study gets no daylight, so it’s completely dark without electricity) and continued working on my computer (I have a laptop with batteries that last through almost all blackouts). However, when darkness fell and the power had still not come back on, I began to wonder. I looked outside and I didn’t see lights in the shops across the streets either. When finally even our emergency lights started to go out, and it became really dark inside our apartment, I decided to check again. That’s when I realized that the other apartments in our neigbourhood DID have electricity. So I checked the fusebox, but all the fuses were still on. Finally, I decided to check the main fusebox in the hall downstairs, and it turned out one of the connections was loose. I went back upstairs and found that all the light were back on!
Why am I telling this story? Well, because I realized that sometimes we can have the wrong perception of our situation. I thought the problem was somewhere out there, but it only existed in my small private world. Everyone else had electricity (although most were not using it during the daytime), but I thought the system wasn’t working. The fact that I did not perceive/experience the electricity didn’t mean it wasn’t there. In the same way, the fact that God wasn’t there for you, doesn’t mean He isn’t there in reality. I know that doesn’t take away the frustration (like it didn’t take away my frustration, while I thought there was no power), but I’m just wondering if perhaps you’ve given up on Him too soon!
If you think it might be worthwhile, we could have a cup of coffee and chat, when I visit next month.
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October 29, 2015 at 03:27
Hi Arend, thanks for your response! The first part of your analysis is correct, on an intellectual level I had an abundance of evidence that my worldview and the existence of the Biblical God were false. But I would not allow the conclusions to be drawn all the way.
Did I give up too soon? I don’t think so. The answer will come in the blog posts that will follow, there is not a very simplistic answer that will satisfy. Regarding your lights-analogy, it was more like believing the city power was on, and then slowly discovering that everybody you know had their own generator and there was not a single reliable report of anyone getting *actual* city power…
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October 29, 2015 at 05:31
Hi EJ, I am almost starting to think that I, as a Christian, are more agnostic than you are on various issues. You seem so certain of your ideas! I recently started a Bachelor of Theology and I intend to study everything with an open mind, not afraid of asking questions. I feel challenged to try and respond to your ideas, or at least to make up my mind to see what I think about it. It is challenging and even a bit scary. What if you are right? It is a bit hard to keep up with you though :-). You have been thinking about these issues for the past 5 years at least, while I still need to make up my mind about some of the questions you raise. And I do keep in mind what Arend said: how sad it is that you so much wanted to see and experience God, but it never happened. A discussion about the specific questions or problems you had should not take away that perspective. At the same time, if we, your readers, take you seriously, we should seriously try to respond to the details of your arguments. I’ll try to find the time!
Martine
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October 29, 2015 at 05:48
Hi Martine,
Thanks! Please keep me in line whenever I am ‘certain’ of something that I can not be ‘certain’ about!
The ‘certainty’ that you see in my responses is not so much about *what* I ‘believe’ now, but more about how the *methods* I was using to gain ‘belief’ or ‘truth’ were not working. I guess it is a good thing that this is a blog and I don’t have oceans of time to blog every day, so you all can keep up with my ‘journey’ as well. Things require time to process.
And good for you that you are studying theology with an open mind. It will constantly challenge assumptions that you have and there will be an alarming increase in the number of things you don’t know! (at least, if your experience is anything similar to mine…).
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January 5, 2016 at 12:35
You don’t know me.
I’m a believer in Australia. I have a few small children, my youngest is 5 months old.
How do I ‘know’ God is real?
Religion aside…
I watch my baby girl developing.
Her giggles and her smiles.
I listen to my two sons having a conversation and I am amazed at how much they know.
I endured three labour experiences and am fully healed from all.
Whoever healed me is amazing.
Whoever gave my babies a brain, is amazing.
I can’t not believe in God.
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