Losing Your BFF


Losing Faith

The various doubts I had which led to my deconversion

Losing Faith, Reason #5: Prayer

Looking back, it’s interesting how I still prayed after I lost my faith in God. I came to the heart-breaking conclusion that even if there was a God, He had no interest in this world. But for thirty years, I was used to talking to this God on just about any topic; especially the heart-felt cries. A sudden loss of all faith felt like the spine was ripped out of my body, so what do you do in an emergency like that?


There was this constant tendency to ‘bring my needs to the Lord’, ‘come to His presence’, ‘connect with the maker of heaven and earth’. Although I wasn’t someone to spend an hour in continuous prayer every day, it was more like a constant conversation in the back of my mind. Like God was reading my thoughts all the time. Yet despite it being such a strong force, I think overall it was rather an element that drove me out. Why? How can prayer get you removed further from God? Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #5: Prayer”

Losing Faith, Reason #4: Big Bang Theory

In missionary college, we were asked in the last year of a 3-year BA course if we believed in a recent creation, evolution or if we are unsure. Just a few believed in creation, a handful in evolution, and well over 80% raised their hands when the ‘unsure’ option was due.

In first year of the BA however, the vast majority believed in a literal, recent, 6 day creation. I found this an interesting observation: the more you study theology, the less you believe in creation. However, my fellow students did not comfortably say they believed in evolution either. Apparently this was a big topic of confusion, and was rather avoided than engaged head-on. Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #4: Big Bang Theory”

Losing Faith, Reason #3: God’s Silence in our Disputes

I have been raised as an evangelical (‘evangelisch’ in Dutch) amidst a reformed church. Throughout my life I have therefore always been very well aware that Christians have different opinions, styles and theology. I tried to live by the rule of Saint Augustine of Hippo: ‘In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity”.

End of a very short and happy story? Not quite…

Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #3: God’s Silence in our Disputes”

Losing Faith, Reason #2: Worldview (part 2)

Just the day after writing part 1 on worldview, I went to a philosophy group here in town. One of the questions was: what do we know for absolutely sure? While there are many secular people there, the only thing that came up was: “I am aware of you now”. A slight variation on “I think, therefore I am”. Pretty much everything else can be questioned… (believe me, in a room full of philosophy-minded people, it will be questioned!)

My point? Everybody has to operate outside of plain ‘facts’ to even get out of bed, eat your cereals, or drive a car. Especially our worldview (e.g. our belief in Jesus) is not a plain ‘fact’, which is already made clear by the observation there are so many worldviews out there, and they are usually quite complex as well. So how can we know which worldview is ‘right’?

Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #2: Worldview (part 2)”

Losing Faith, Reason #2: Worldview (part 1)

Have you ever met one of those people? Those who say: “Religions are horrible and boring! I don’t have a religion; I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ!”

To be honest, I have been one of them, throughout my whole teens, but lost it by the time I was 20 or so. There were even those that came to missionary college, and would protest vehemently whenever the words ‘religion’ and ‘Christianity’ were used in one sentence. Of course they would be persuaded after a while to see Christianity as a religion, because no matter how you define religion, it is worthless if it doesn’t apply to faith in Jesus Christ. For those unconvinced: Christianity has rituals, supernatural beliefs, a Deity even, community, prayer, morals, etc. It simply is a religion, even the biggest in the world. The fact that it also involved a ‘personal’ relationship with God does not negate the rest.

The interesting question here is: what is behind this repulsion for religion?

Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #2: Worldview (part 1)”

Losing Faith, Reason #1: The Mission of God (part 2)

This is a follow-up to part 1.

My previous post explained the problem I have with the absence of the Christian God in daily life. To be more accurate: I have a problem that God says He wants to get into a relationship with people but does not get involved Himself in reaching out to those people. Everywhere I looked, it was the same conclusion: it is 99.9% work that is done through people without any supernatural explanation needed. So how does one deal with this?

Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #1: The Mission of God (part 2)”

Losing Faith, reason #1: The mission of God (part 1)

I used to be a Christian missionary. I have a (first class) UK bachelor degree in Christian missiology, the theories and practices of how to spread the Christian faith. I had a burning passion to make sure as many people would enjoy life with God as possible. I have had this passion for three decades. Yet ironically, the number one thing that drove me out of the Christian faith was…

The Mission of God

Continue reading “Losing Faith, reason #1: The mission of God (part 1)”

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