We all lose things. We all have to let go. Small things like the fleeting expressions on your tongue when that sushi slides down your throat. But also bigger things, like your new shiny phone that drops on the floor and cracks all over.
Sometimes though, it gets huge, and we desperately want to hold on. Ever seen the response of parents to the news that a child has died? Chances are you will hear “no, no, no, no” for a long time. Such big news takes a time to process…
I have had the same type of loss. And it took me years to process the news. Five long years of saying “no, no, no, it can’t be true” to myself. Who did I lose?
My BFF
It was a friend so close to me, so deep in my heart, we were like BFF, Best Friends Forever. Literally. Forever. He moved with me wherever I went. He taught me the value of life, introduced me to all his other friends, and basically shaped my entire existence from early childhood on. We went out on adventures together, hooked up with others, and I became fascinated by him. I learned a lot about him, and dedicated my life to let others become friends with him as well. I even married one of his female friends. You know, he was very generous with his time, and could have as many friends as he wanted. Poly-amorous is an understatement.
But my friend was no ordinary friend. You couldn’t just walk up to him and have a conversation. He would always be around, but he just never spoke back audibly. But that was okay, because he was speaking to my other friends as well and they would convey his purposes with me.
Questions That Demand an Answer
That was all great, until you get questions that demand an answer. “Hey, are you coming next week to my work? I want to show you something”. No answer. “Can you help my friend?” No answer. Sometimes it appeared he did come and help, other times it did not.
At some point I had to start doubting my friendship with him. It wasn’t that he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t that he couldn’t act. He could do absolutely anything. He just refused to do it. I realized that in fact, I had never really seen him. None of my senses actually ever registered him. Everybody talks about him, he is at the core of my being, but he is utterly silent when asked direct, tough and honest questions.
But I held on. We have shared so many things together! I gather with other people every week to discuss and celebrate our friendship with him (polyamorous, remember?) and even sing songs for him. It all felt so real, our friendship. So real, so almost tangible. Part of the mystery of the friendship, I told myself.
The past five years I have started to realize more and more that my BFF was a strange friend indeed. I dedicated my life to him. But while he was fully able to, he just refused to ever show up. He never came to a date. Never gave any real answer to my questions. He would not taunt me either; he was just utterly… not there.
I just could not accept this conclusion. I fought it, with all my might. I even tried to make a pact: gave him a year to show up and tell me he is there. Not even personally, but just through a friend, through a secret message. Just give me a signal that we are still friends; that was all. He never did. I extended the deadline. It didn’t work.
It was starting to drive me nuts. I started to feel like someone with a multiple personality disorder: happy BFF with him in public, totally confused and denying on the inside. In the end I yelled at my BFF one last time to give a signal. Anything. I was met with a total silence. Not even a single hunch, vision or feeling.
My sincere questions were like a knife that had stabbed his heart. I had killed him. I have killed my best friend.
My world collapsed, and I had to let go.
Let It Go
As you probably have guessed, my BFF is Jesus. YHWH. The Triune God. Aslan. Elyon. The Rock of Ages. The Great I Am.
A few months ago I was forced to accept in my heart what my mind had discovered years before: Jesus is not the Truth, the Way and the Life. There are many things that made me doubt this, but the previous BFF story illustrates a key point of my doubts: while Jesus is supposed to have all the power in the universe, he utterly refuses to use it, even when it is most needed. He says he wants all people to know him, but then he completely hides himself. Even more, he will punish people for not accepting this hidden revelation. He claims to be good, yet supported slavery, mass-killings of innocent children and gave women fewer rights than men.
I know all of the rationalizations. I have lived with them my whole life. They were part of me. But at some point, enough is enough. I don’t want to enter a discussion right now of all the arguments pro- and versus Christianity. I just know that the “pro” list was getting alarmingly short for me, and the arguments sounded increasingly unconvincing. The “versus” list was solid, and growing fast. I rarely read any anti-Christian materials. I lost my faith while reading the Bible, and studying Gods mission for the world, in a Christian college, and later a Christian mission organisation.
Please don’t take this as an insult if you are BFF with Jesus. I know how it feels; you do this out of genuine love for the truth and others around you. It is just not my thing anymore. I have not left the faith because I was angry at God, living in deep sin, disappointed with the church, steeped in satanic rituals or because I lost my marbles. For me, it “simply” does not make sense anymore.
Becoming Me
The last few months have been an interesting rollercoaster. It is like somebody pushed the reset button on my brain, and it has to rethink everything. Purpose in life. Work. Marriage. Raising kids. Relationships. Identity. Little topics like that. Normally you take your teens to think through that and perhaps you finally figured it out by the time you are 30 or so. For me, it is all over again.
The experience is absolutely unique and amazing. Daunting at first, but I now actually thoroughly enjoy it. The world has become a different place, full of opportunities, people, color, and my mind has become much more curious than it was ever before. Instead of having this ‘package deal’ worldview where everything was already figured out beforehand, where all I could do was reach the same conclusions with a little bit of wiggle room, I can now truly make up my own mind. I find it fascinating to meet new people, hear new ideas, and feel their wisdom and characters.
So Now What?
Practically, me and my family will go back in January to the Netherlands. For those of you that don’t know: I am working fulltime for a Christian organization in Thailand, so I will basically have to / want to quit that job. Other than that, I don’t have many plans. My wife is still a believer in God, we will have to see how we work that out (it’s not easy, I will say that much). I love to have an open future right now. Explore the possibilities. I don’t want to throw away any relationships that I have, but some have already been damaged by my radical shift. “Swayed by the devil”, some would say. “Tempted by sin”, others have said. Fortunately most people have responded well, and I’m not afraid to answer any questions. This is why I make this public news. I don’t want to hide this. I have too many friends and family to all call them one by one. I don’t like people to hear it from somebody else. A blast into the world seems more appropriate.
If you are deeply committed Christian and you read this, I just hope you are not offended and we can retain a positive relationship. I have not lost my quest for the Truth, which is also what you are ultimately after. If you are not a (deeply committed) Christian, I hope it gave you some insight into how a ‘serious’ religious worldview works, and how it has affected me. I honestly believed I did the right thing by holding on to Jesus. Either way, I hope we can all treat each other like equal human beings, and see that a person is much more than their religious beliefs.
I am more than happy to answer any questions you may have. Just get in touch! Fill in the comments below, or reach me on Facebook, email, phone, etc.
October 13, 2015 at 15:30
Great post – my experience in loosing the same BFF (after 50+ years) is I don’t miss him a bit. It’s kinda nice to not go on a date where my date never shows up! Nice to stop the one-sided imaginary conversation (prayer) and much less stressful trying to figure how to live my life to his standards, which are contradictory but carry grave consequences if you don’t choose the right contradiction. Look forward to more posts.
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October 20, 2015 at 07:11
Thank you! I hope future posts will satisfy you as well.
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October 20, 2015 at 02:07
Well done, EJ! And well put. Welcome to TCP and the rest of your life. I was a missionary to France for 23 years with WEC and Converge Worldwide. Realized two years ago that I no longer believed, and resigned my pastorate a few months later. I was 61, and am happy for you that you are getting out much earlier in life. You have my very best wishes.
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October 20, 2015 at 07:17
Thank you! The “rest of my life” phrase was also on my mind at the 6th of June when I deconverted. It truly felt like a whole new chapter! Scary, costly, and yet amazing. I wish you the best as well.
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October 20, 2015 at 03:23
I very much enjoyed your truth. It was very much the same for me and now I question absolutely everything. It does bother me that so many believe the lie, but mostly because they judge and believe anyone who does not believe, goes to hell. Fear is an amazing motivator, sad to say. Thank you for your story, very much appreciate your honesty.
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October 20, 2015 at 07:19
Thanks Colleen :-). Although for me fear for hell was never a reason, I think fear for losing all of my investments into the religion, fear of the pointlessness of life, fear of the judgment or feelings of others, those certainly played a big role. And it’s the wrong motivator, you are right!
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October 20, 2015 at 07:23
Hi HJ,
I thank God for your life. You are such a honest, clever, loving, caring and fun person. Although we aren’t that close, God let me see how beautiful and gentle heart He had put in you. I can sincerely say that I was blessed only by looking at how u love your family. I love u EJ. I hope we can see each other before u all leave Thailand. Much love to you, Wadee
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October 20, 2015 at 13:14
Hi Wadee, thank you so much for your kind words 🙂
If you get to Chiang Mai, do let us know! Would be good to see you again as well.
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October 20, 2015 at 09:13
Hi EJ,
I agree with you that you approach this like a teenager. You expect feelings, you expect clear proof, you don’t get it, so the conclusion is clear: God is not there! Of course, there are a lot of possible reasons why you would not get the feelings and the proof, which would make your conclusion false. For example: you are not very good at feelings; God doesn’t like your attitude; God doesn’t agree with your standard of evidence; God does not want to be your BFF (he might rather insist on being worshiped); God does not want to be the conclusion of your syllogism.
You wrote that you were not living in deep sin. But of course you were. Doubt is a sin, and the Bible tells you to not expect an answer if you ask wisdom from the Lord while doubting (James 1:6-8). So not getting an answer is totally consistent with both a Christian and a non-Christian worldview. And there is an even deeper sin you confess to. You set yourself up as God’s god. You are talking about ‘questions that demand an answer’. You say that Jesus refuses to show himself ‘even when it is most needed’. It is rather fundamental to the Christian faith that we do not demand answers from God, but that God demands answers from us; that we do not decide what is needed, but that God does.
You speak about the joy of finally being able to make up your own mind. I think you will find that joy limited by three things. First, there probably will be quite a few things you won’t be able to make up your mind about (say: I’m agnostic). Getting help in making up your mind is not always a bad thing. Second, you will find that your options are limited. You are writing like you have Christianity on the one hand and an unlimited array of choices on the other hand. That is not the case. Any worldview you arrive at, has its constraints. Any choice in area A will be a strong pointer to where you end up in area B. That is true whether you are Christian or not. Thirdly, the Christian worldview is the richest, most compelling, broadest, and best thought-through one in the world. Its wealth just in terms of the number of people contributing to it, the quality of thought, and the depth of history behind it has no parallel. Leaving it is like leaving the Himalayas for a stroll through the Dutch (mole) hills. It can be enjoyable as well, but it is not as exciting, you won’t get as high, and the view is just not the same.
Being a Christian is the best way to be a curious person in this world. (That is of course why science started in Christian Europe.) So if you slotted into a worldview with just a little bit of wriggle room, as you write, it is a good thing you lost your faith. It wasn’t worth having in the first place. But now that you have your mind back, please make it up. Put your faith in Jesus, for all the right reasons. You are lost without him.
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October 20, 2015 at 13:46
Hi Marten,
Thank you for the showcase answer from a calvinistic perspective 🙂
Your response will prove fruitful in describing in future articles how the Bible deals with doubt, as you clearly demonstrate that doubt itself is already wrong; which is the ultimate method of mind control. Sects usually operate this way too: it is based upon authority (“we are right and our holy book / leaders / gods know best”) and the elimination of doubt (“he is right and he does not need to answer any of your questions”).
I know very well that most Christians I know are actually much more positive about doubt than you show here, not least because most have a lot of doubt themselves as well. Many say they have the same struggles as me, they just don’t arrive at the same conclusion. There are a myriad of reasons for that which I will try to explain in my blog.
The BFF analogy is just one analogy of course. I have chosen it for people to be able to relate to the experience, knowing full well that “friend” is the last word that a true Calvinist would apply to God. Certainly in the last years I did not consider God to be much of a “friend”, that was more in the early days. But also as a Lord, or Saviour, and especially as the Almighty, I now believe he has failed me (and not just me, everyone). Or better put: that the theological construction just does not relate to reality. But that would take a different kind of analogy to explain that well.
I have to correct you on some matter-of-fact statement: My self-ascribed feeling like an adolescent again has nothing to do with the process of losing the faith. I think that was the most adult decision I have taken in my whole life! It has to do with refinding your identity and worldview after the previous one has collapsed. There is a huge difference between losing worldview A, and constructing worldview B.
The other things you address I hope to get to in future blog articles. They seem to be variations on ‘who can pee the furthest’ (verplassen), which has very little to do with finding truth. Take all of these arguments back to 50 AD, and they would make no sense either. Or if you can make sense of them, they apply just as well to the secular humanistic worldview of modern times. Numbers don’t make right, good reasoning, facts and evidence do.
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October 21, 2015 at 06:22
Come on, EJ. First you say you don’t want to discuss truth (“I don’t want to enter a discussion right now of all the arguments pro- and versus Christianity”), but that your position makes you happy (“I now actually thoroughly enjoy it”). I engage you on that level (“I think you will find that joy limited), and all of a sudden you blame me for not talking about truth! At least try to be consistent. I know, that’s hard once you don’t think as a Christian.
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October 26, 2015 at 10:51
“At least try to be consistent. I know, that’s hard once you don’t think as a Christian.”
At least try not to be arrogant. I know that’s hard when you think like a Christian.
See how absurd and insulting that sounds? Even if the first sentence is true in either case.
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October 22, 2015 at 08:02
I meant I do not want to enter a discussion of arguments in this first blog entry. I have now decided to start a whole series on arguments about Christianity in seperate blog entries. So you will have enough to read and shoot at 🙂
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October 26, 2015 at 10:49
“Of course, there are a lot of possible reasons why you would not get the feelings and the proof, which would make your conclusion false.”
And the one that fits reality the best is “there is no god.” [But of course us non-elect would say that. \eye roll]
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October 20, 2015 at 13:33
Marten, you write it right: “You are lost without him”. Yes, YOU but not ME or WE or OTHERS.
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October 21, 2015 at 06:32
Hi ElPedro, what I mean with ‘lost’ is that Jesus says to me, you, and all others: “You are from below; I am from above. You are of this world; I am not of this world. I told you that you would die in your sins, for unless you believe that I am he (=God) you will die in your sins.” (John 8:23-24)
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October 21, 2015 at 07:49
Congratulations to your new life! Reality is an exciting place to live in.
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October 26, 2015 at 01:47
Thank you! That is very interesting, I know many SIL people and some of them will be reading this blog as well. Curious towards your journey, I have requested access to your blog as well.
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October 26, 2015 at 01:56
Forgot to check the box again
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January 24, 2016 at 14:01
I am really happy to have found this amazing blog. I can relate to a lot I am reading here.
Thanks a lot for sharing and inviting me to think through stuff I haven’t even considered yet.
I can only imagine but losing your bff, your life purpose, moving house and country as a result and being married to a wife that doesn’t necessarily share your new views must be hard. I honestly wish you all the best with that.
I will follow this blog with lots of interest and curiosity, that’s for sure.
If you’re up to it and are settled in the Netherlands it would be great to meet in person and have a few drinks while sharing stories. What do you think?
KR
Divine Decay
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January 24, 2016 at 18:33
Sounds great! I’ll send you an email.
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January 25, 2016 at 17:42
Beste EJ,
DivineDecay wees me vandaag op deze goudmijn, zoals ik je blog noem. Want ik ben echt heel blij met dit soort blogs. Een ander geeft op een andere manier woorden en kan zo helpen om je proces te begrijpen…veel herkenning bij de spagaat die het kan geven en het zoeken naar een nieuwe weg van omgaan met het leven en relaties…
ik heb nog niet alles gelezen wat je tot nu toe hebt geblogd, maar dat zal niet lang meer duren…😊
Mijn verhaal kun je vinden op mijn blog, bottomline: her-ijken van wat ik zelf nog geloof nu de godservaring totaal weg is. Hoewel ik soms in theologische thema’s duik, merk ik dat dit vooral een soort van stuiptrekkingen zijn en voelt het heel dubbel om te merken dat m’n godsbeeld in elkaar gestort is…
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January 25, 2016 at 18:02
Een goudmijn nog wel… (bloos bloos). Dank je wel!
Ik heb tot nu toe veel geblogd over alle redenen die mij naar binnen of buiten de schaapskooi dreven. Dat zal ook nog wel even doorgaan. Ik zie dat je zelf nog erg open staat in je zoektocht, ik vind het knap dat je die identiteit uberhaupt los kunt laten zonder ook direct helemaal de knoop door te hakken. Jouw blog was ook erg interessant, die ga ik bijhouden!
En net als Divine Decay ben je ook welkom om eens bij te praten en verhalen uit te wisselen. Misschien kunnen we dat zelfs alle drie tegelijk doen.
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January 25, 2016 at 18:06
Het voelt als met 1 been in, en met 1 been buiten staan…echt een zoektocht dus nog, maar wie weet hoe snel het kan gaan als de laatste puzzelstukjes op zn plek vallen…ontmoeting sta ik zeker voor open, ergens heb je toch steun en herkenning nodig, he…je mag me ook gerust mailen!
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February 23, 2016 at 09:01
Dag EJ,
Ik heb delen van je blog gelezen, nadat ik de weblog zoekendgeloven eerst doorgelezen had. Ben je inmiddels terug in NL? Ik merk dat ik geraakt ben door je worsteling en door de wereld waar je uit stapt. Ik ken de ‘veilige’ zendingswereld een beetje van binnenuit (zelfs in Chiang Mai). Mijn weg heeft jaren geduurd, en is stukje bij beetje verlopen, waarbij ik in een niet gelovige wereld werkte en leefde; het moet dus makkelijker voor mij geweest zijn. de angst om het mis te hebben en daarmee de volmaaktheid van het leven na dit leven mis te lopen is een gegeven waarmee ik deze weg loop. Angst kán geen grond zijn om maar door te gaan in iets waar jemet je hart en verstand niet meer bij kan.
sterkte met je tocht,
M.
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February 25, 2016 at 20:34
Dag M.
Leuk dat je mijn blog leest. Ja ik ben onderhand terug in Nederland, Chiang Mai lijkt al weer lang geleden.
Merk ik dat die angst nog steeds bij je leeft? Of je het allemaal bij het juiste eind hebt? Hopelijk vind je daarin meer geruststelling.
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February 25, 2016 at 22:01
klopt dat die angst niet volledig weg is.
Ik leer wel te leven hiermee.
wanneer ben je teruggekomen uit CM?
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March 30, 2016 at 10:49
Hey,
Ik ben via het forum van ex-christian.net op je blog gekomen.
Ik heb voor mezelf in oktober toegegeven niet meer te geloven, al was het proces al langer aan de gang. Een proces van jaren… Interessant om je ervaringen te lezen.
Veel succes met je blog.
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June 28, 2016 at 21:01
Wat goed om te lezen dat er meer mensen ditzelfde doormaken. Ruim 30 jaar indoctrinatie maakt het lastig om te zeggen dat je er uit stapt. Gek dat een mens altijd gelijk gestemden wil zoeken. Een nieuwe ‘peergroup’ zeg maar.
Het voelt als een soort bevrijding. Terwijl er nu ik dit schrijf ergens nog een soort van schuldgevoel is. Hopelijk gaat dat snel over.
Ik blijf je volgen.
Edu
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