Losing Your BFF

What Kept Me In? Reason #1: The Web of the Mega-Belief

If you are a Christian and you have read some of the posts here on this blog, how did that make you feel? Angry? Sad? Frustrated? Indifferent?

And what did it do to your beliefs? Were they severely challenged? Did you lie awake for nights on end pondering whether there is a God after all?

My bet is that it probably did absolutely nothing, or perhaps it made you feel uncomfortable for a little while… but then you moved on. Was my argument so bad? That is a certainly a possibility. But then there are many people I speak to that have said they have no good answer to my questions about the absent character of God in mission (or many other questions). They stand with empty hands and cannot answer most of the deep, profound questions that I have had.

Yet they continue to believe in the Christian God.


Continue reading “What Kept Me In? Reason #1: The Web of the Mega-Belief”

Losing Faith, Reason #1: The Mission of God (part 2)

This is a follow-up to part 1.

My previous post explained the problem I have with the absence of the Christian God in daily life. To be more accurate: I have a problem that God says He wants to get into a relationship with people but does not get involved Himself in reaching out to those people. Everywhere I looked, it was the same conclusion: it is 99.9% work that is done through people without any supernatural explanation needed. So how does one deal with this?

Continue reading “Losing Faith, Reason #1: The Mission of God (part 2)”

Losing Faith, reason #1: The mission of God (part 1)

I used to be a Christian missionary. I have a (first class) UK bachelor degree in Christian missiology, the theories and practices of how to spread the Christian faith. I had a burning passion to make sure as many people would enjoy life with God as possible. I have had this passion for three decades. Yet ironically, the number one thing that drove me out of the Christian faith was…

The Mission of God

Continue reading “Losing Faith, reason #1: The mission of God (part 1)”

Playing Chess with a Big Mouth

I guess I am crazy for trying to teach my 6 and 4 year old kids to play chess. I hope I won’t become one of those parents that insists on straight 10 out of 10 marks (or A+) and will blame the school if the result is anything less. Nevertheless it is great fun teaching them new things, and I always try to make sure they want to learn it themselves, instead of me pushing it on them.

Success rates in playing chess are not remarkable though, to say the least… these kids of mine change the rules constantly. They perform impossible moves (a queen jumping over other pieces, horse moving only in one direction) but will happily play on. They have no idea about checkmate yet (so the game usually ends weird), and they have the strategic insight of about zero to one moves. There is a long way to go…

My Life

While having fun with chess, I thought about how my life feels a lot like playing chess right now. Who do I tell what, in which order? How about my work? How about the prayer supporters, how about my family? What will others do, which pawns will they move, how will this affect me, or others close to me?

Continue reading “Playing Chess with a Big Mouth”


One question that popped up a few times so far is which labels I would now apply to myself. That is a fair question and a good opportunity to clear up some things that I confused myself over for years.

Continue reading “Labels!”

Hidden Immigrant

Out of the Closet

There you go. I am ‘out’ of the closet! I now dare to say I have a good understanding how LGTBQIA must feel doing a similar “dad, mom, I have to tell you something” kinda thing.

I guess I may have left many readers/friends wondering where I am at now. Some asked me directly. Don’t be afraid to ask me more questions, I have not been overwhelmed with hundreds of emails, so don’t worry to ask, vent, or just communicate some feelings. I have really appreciated those friends who said that they were sad about the results, or couldn’t sleep well after they read my blog, because that is a proper response as friends when someone no longer identifies with your core shared beliefs.

So what’s it like for me? Thanks for asking.

It feels like I have just been teleported by Star Trek’s Scotty/La Forge from planet A to planet B and am facing some interesting challenges (with apologies for non-Trekkies).


Continue reading “Hidden Immigrant”

Let It Go

We all lose things. We all have to let go. Small things like the fleeting expressions on your tongue when that sushi slides down your throat. But also bigger things, like your new shiny phone that drops on the floor and cracks all over.

Sometimes though, it gets huge, and we desperately want to hold on. Ever seen the response of parents to the news that a child has died? Chances are you will hear “no, no, no, no” for a long time. Such big news takes a time to process…

I have had the same type of loss. And it took me years to process the news. Five long years of saying “no, no, no, it can’t be true” to myself. Who did I lose?

Continue reading “Let It Go”

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